- Treat a red light as you would a stop sign. It's perfectly okay to coast to a "stop" and then go straight or turn left at a red light. Your time is too precious to waste.
- If there is a sign that says "No Turn on Red" and the light is red, you should turn. That sign was probably put there because there's a hill that makes it impossible to spot oncoming traffic, but you're not just anyone. You have x-ray vision, and you know for a fact that no one is coming over that hill. Just gun it.
- Honking your horn makes all the traffic in Atlanta go at least 15 mph faster, and it clogs up crowded intersections, too. It's a miracle, really.
- Although the signs on the interstate say 55 mph, feel free to travel as fast as your vehicle can go. As a matter of fact, just glue your foot to the floor. You won't know your limits until you test them.
- In most areas of the country, oncoming traffic has the right of way, but not Atlanta. If you're turning left, you should dive into oncoming traffic randomly, and for god's sake, don't use your turn signal.
- As a matter of fact, don't ever use your turn signal. Ever.
- Emergency vehicles are such an inconvenience, and those drivers are so rude, speeding through crowded streets with their annoying sirens blaring. Do NOT pull over to the right and stop. You don't even need to slow down. Besides, there's only a 1 in 300,000,000 chance that it's your husband, wife, brother, sister, father, or mother who is in dire need of medical assistance or protection.
- Sometimes you'll see a sign at a clearly marked crosswalk that tells you to stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. Ha! 1,000 points per pedestrian. (On the flip side, if you're a pedestrian, 1,000 points for ignoring the laws of physics, jumping in front of a car that's 10 feet from the crosswalk, and giving the driver a heart attack as you flip them the bird.)
- By all means, text and drive. I know, I know. There's a new law that says you're not supposed to to do this, but if you hold your phone in your lap to text, who's going to know? The only real clue that you may be texting is that you're swerving randomly into oncoming traffic and blowing through stoplights, which are optional anyway.
Visitors, follow these simple rules, and nobody will know you're from out of town. Be sure to wear a medical bracelet and carry some instructions for notifying your next of kin. Enjoy your stay.