About Me

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Atlanta, GA, United States
When I suffered a lip injury that ended my career as a classical trombonist, I thought my life as a musician was finished, but I fell in love with music all over again when Santa gave me a guitar for Christmas in 2003. Even as I was struggling with my first chords, I was planning a new performance career. As a trombonist, I performed with the Heritage of America Band at Langley Air Force Base, the Ohio Light Opera, and in pick-up bands for touring acts that included Rosemary Clooney, George Burns, and the Manhattan Transfer. Reborn as a jazz guitarist, I sing and play my own solo arrangements of jazz classics, am half of the Godfrey and Guy duo, and hold the guitar chair in the Sentimental Journey Orchestra. I have been a freelance music copyist since 1995 and have been music director at Northwest Unitarian Universalist Congregation since 2011.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Atlanta Driving Tips

If you're visiting Atlanta and want to blend in with the local drivers, be sure to follow these tips.
  • Treat a red light as you would a stop sign. It's perfectly okay to coast to a "stop" and then go straight or turn left at a red light. Your time is too precious to waste.
  • If there is a sign that says "No Turn on Red" and the light is red, you should turn. That sign was probably put there because there's a hill that makes it impossible to spot oncoming traffic, but you're not just anyone. You have x-ray vision, and you know for a fact that no one is coming over that hill. Just gun it.
  • Honking your horn makes all the traffic in Atlanta go at least 15 mph faster, and it clogs up crowded intersections, too. It's a miracle, really.
  • Although the signs on the interstate say 55 mph, feel free to travel as fast as your vehicle can go. As a matter of fact, just glue your foot to the floor. You won't know your limits until you test them.
  • In most areas of the country, oncoming traffic has the right of way, but not Atlanta. If you're turning left, you should dive into oncoming traffic randomly, and for god's sake, don't use your turn signal.
  • As a matter of fact, don't ever use your turn signal. Ever.
  • Emergency vehicles are such an inconvenience, and those drivers are so rude, speeding through crowded streets with their annoying sirens blaring. Do NOT pull over to the right and stop. You don't even need to slow down. Besides, there's only a 1 in 300,000,000 chance that it's your husband, wife, brother, sister, father, or mother who is in dire need of medical assistance or protection.
  • Sometimes you'll see a sign at a clearly marked crosswalk that tells you to stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. Ha! 1,000 points per pedestrian. (On the flip side, if you're a pedestrian, 1,000 points for ignoring the laws of physics, jumping in front of a car that's 10 feet from the crosswalk, and giving the driver a heart attack as you flip them the bird.)
  • By all means, text and drive. I know, I know. There's a new law that says you're not supposed to to do this, but if you hold your phone in your lap to text, who's going to know? The only real clue that you may be texting is that you're swerving randomly into oncoming traffic and blowing through stoplights, which are optional anyway.
Visitors, follow these simple rules, and nobody will know you're from out of town. Be sure to wear a medical bracelet and carry some instructions for notifying your next of kin. Enjoy your stay.

2 comments:

  1. Very true, except that some drivers don't slow down for red lights, they speed up. I have been honked at more than once because I stopped for a red light.

    If someone from out of town does put on their turn signal to change lanes, speed up and cut them off. Then complain because people get in the left lane a long time before their turn, so they won't miss their turn.

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  2. Tom, instead of reading The Onion, you should write for it!

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